


Love Is the Greatest Sin of All

by anoradh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Introspection, M/M, No Dialogue, Post Season/Series 05, Religious Content, Seven Deadly Sins, one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-04 00:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anoradh/pseuds/anoradh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are seven deadly sins. Castiel commits them all for Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gluttony

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fanfic I ever wrote in any fandom. As I recall, it began small and kept growing, both in size and ambition. I'm not sure how I feel about it now, but I still thought I'd post it here. It hasn't really been edited, but is posted in its original form.
> 
> I would like to point out that the views and ideas represented herein do not necessarily represent my own. This is a work of fanfiction and not intended as some sort of discussion on religion or sin, although I admit that I often do enjoy such discussions. :-)
> 
> The definitions at the beginning of each chapter is from Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, which can be found [here](http://www.merriam-webster.com/).

**gluttony**  
 _noun_ \ˈglət-nē, ˈglə-tə-nē\  
 _plural_ gluttonies

Definition of GLUTTONY  
 **1** : excess in eating or drinking  
 **2** : greedy or excessive indulgence 

 

The sin of gluttony is not something that angels indulge in. This has little to do with angels being too pure and too virtuous to commit sin and far more to do with the lack of temptation in Heaven. There is nothing which they crave enough to fall into the trap of immoderation. All that the angels crave is their Father’s love. It is the source and the reason for their existence. In a manner of speaking, it is what nourishes them. However, this does not make them gluttonous for His love. The Father’s love is infinite, but given only to those worthy of it and it is never given in excess. As He is infallible, so is His love and the angels need never worry that it will lead them into sin. The sin of gluttony is a human weakness, a condition to which only creatures of pleasure and selfishness are liable. At least this used to be Castiel’s belief. He is no longer so sure.

Castiel has come to feel grateful that the Horsemen’s powers only affected his human vessel and left his angelic essence untouched. When Pestilence incapacitated Sam and Dean with his disease and tried to do the same to Castiel, the angelic part of his being, though diminished almost to the point of non-existence, still remained strong enough to give him some powers of resistance that allowed him to save them all. Similarly, when Famine came into their presence, bringing with him a hunger that felt like starvation, it had been Jimmy’s body that been affected. Castiel is glad for this. He fears what would have been revealed, had it been his soul whose hunger had been transformed into such an undeniable craving. Jimmy’s love for red meat was fairly easily satisfied and did no lasting harm. Castiel’s own longing could have caused far greater trouble.

What Castiel craves is really a whom. Lately, he has found himself seeking Dean’s company more and more frequently. He basks in his presence, revels in his attention and rejoices in the value that Dean seems to place in his opinions. Whenever he is away from Dean, he finds that his thoughts stray in whichever direction that the man is currently in and he has caught himself inventing excuses to return to him more quickly. When he is with Dean, he makes up reasons to remain a while longer - always a while longer - and to linger even after he has fulfilled whatever task Dean called on him to perform. Only the fear of imposing on the Winchesters and thereby making Dean weary of him, has kept him away at times.

To indulge in something needlessly and excessively, simply for the pleasure of it, is to commit the sin of gluttony. Castiel takes pleasure in Dean’s company and therefore indulges in it as often as he can. This is the first sin that Castiel commits for Dean.


	2. Greed

**greed**  
 _noun_ \ˈgrēd\  


Definition of GREED  
: a selfish and excessive desire for more of something (as money) than is needed 

 

Angels have no possessions. They have no need of anything and to obtain something for which they have no need is unthinkable. The concept of materialism is unknown in Heaven and not only because Heaven is not a material plane. When the bounty of all Creation is at your disposal, there is nothing more to wish for, no need to hoard anything or to be possessive, and so greed is as foreign to angels as gluttony. At least this should be the case. However, Castiel knows from personal experience that this is not so.

Castiel is not the only angel to experience greed. Many of his brothers are greedy for different things. Some are greedy of their Father’s love, always wanting more of it and displaying a possessive unwillingness to share it with other, in their opinions, lesser beings. Others are greedy of the world, wishing that it was still theirs to roam, still the paradise that they remember from before humans made it what it is today. They are not content with having all of Heaven as their playground, but want more. Some are greedy for peace and paradise, not only in Heaven, but wanting to see it on Earth as well. Castiel suspects that greed is one of the sins that brought on the (averted) Apocalypse.

Castiel’s greed is different. The only thing he wants more of is Dean. He already has Dean’s friendship and very often, he has his companionship, but this is not enough to satisfy him. There are so few moments when Castiel has the man to himself. He hoards these moments like a dragon might hoard precious jewels, keeping them close and hidden from the world, hoping that no one else is aware of their existence or their worth. Like a dragon, he would defend his treasure against any that would steal it from him, he would rain fire and fury over any who threatened them, but sadly, he is aware that these jewels are not his to protect. They all belong to Dean and the decision is his with whom he wishes to share them. Of course, the fact that they must be freely given makes Castiel covet them even more.

Whenever Castiel is with Dean, he tries to savour as much of him as he can. No one and nothing else can hold his attention for long, because no one and nothing else is as precious to him as Dean. Castiel’s eyes will inevitably stray to and fix on Dean’s face, drinking in the beauty not only of his physical appearance, but also of the soul that is hidden within. His ears rejoice at the sound of Dean’s voice, surly and gruff as it often is. Even when the words infuriate him, the sound is still sweeter to Castiel than that of any heavenly choir whose voices are uplifted in adoration of their Father. Castiel’s nose inhales the air that he does not need, breathing in the same air that Dean has exhaled and the unique scent of him, sweeter by far than that of any flower in Eden.

Still, this is not enough and Castiel is not content. Three of five senses are not enough for him. He aches to touch the man, to feel him under his fingers and know the texture of his skin. He wants to run his hands over Dean’s body, place them over the mark that he himself made and have it mean infinitely more, because this time, permission would be given and the claim acknowledged. Even more than this, he aches to feel Dean’s fingers on his own skin, to know the burning caresses that only come with true intimacy and love, to be claimed in return. And still, this would not be enough.

Dean has subjected Castiel to many new tastes and while it means something to the angel that Dean is willing to share these experiences with him, the only taste his mouth craves is that of Dean himself. He longs to feel Dean’s lips yield to his own, devouring and being devoured in equal measure. He wants to know the taste of Dean’s tongue on his own and to feel the air pass from Dean’s lungs into his own without the pollution of the air around them.

To want more than you have, more than you need, simply for the having of it, and to be possessive and jealous of it, unwilling to share it, is to feel greed. Castiel wants more of Dean. He can never get enough, even though he knows that he has more of him than so many others. He often wishes that he did not have to share him, even with Sam. This is the second sin that Castiel commits for Dean.


	3. Sloth

**sloth**  
 _noun_ \ˈslȯth, ˈsläth also ˈslōth\  
 _plural_ sloths 

Definition of SLOTH  
 **1 a** : disinclination to action or labor : indolence **b** : spiritual apathy and inactivity 

 

If there is one sin of which modern humans might believe angels are guilty, it is the sin of sloth. Today’s media, and the commercial forces that make a profit out of misrepresenting various beings to make them appeal to the general public, have sold humans an image of angels as cute, chubby cherubs lounging about on fluffy, white clouds, lazily watching the world below, much in the same way that humans sit on their sofas and watch mind-dulling shows on TV, unable to summon up the energy to do something more useful.

This image is naturally quite ridiculously untrue. For one thing, a basic knowledge of modern science disproves it. Clouds are not solid enough to rest upon and even if angels could, they most likely would not, since it would hardly be very comfortable. Clouds are made of vapour, a collection of tiny droplets of water or ice too insubstantial for anyone to lounge upon - and too unpleasant for anyone to wish to. As for Heaven, the home of the angels, it is not located in the sky above for anyone to find who travels high enough. The directions of above and below in relation to Heaven and Hell are a simplification, an aid for the human mind to cling to, since it is too limited to grasp the full concept of these regions.

The angels themselves are not the cute, chubby cherubs pictured in various drawings and decorative models, neither are they the kindly and breathtakingly beautiful protectors of humanity. They are fierce and awe-inspiring warriors of God. They do watch humans, it is true, but not for entertainment, nor as guardians, but as a judicial force, aiding and acquitting the souls of the innocent and releasing them to Heaven, while indicting and convicting the souls of the guilty and sentencing them to Hell.

Angels are not prone to sloth. They are beings created for action, for carrying out the will of Heaven. Their energy is endless, so they do not require recreational time. They are not made to enjoy pleasures and entertainment. Their art and their enjoyment is in the praise of their Father. The lower ranks of angels are used to following orders immediately, blindly and without question. Their superiors keep them occupied, knowing well that inactivity encourages thought, which leads to questions, which may cause doubt. Doubt is the first step to insubordination and disobedience. Therefore it is essential to give the mind a purpose and a goal on which to focus to keep it from wandering in more dangerous directions.

Being one of the lower ranking angels, Castiel does not know how the higher ranks are kept in line or even if they are. Recent evidence suggests not. He does know, however, that like all angels, without a mission, they are lost. It is not in their nature to be idle and it is not something that any angel can bear for long. He suspects that this may be another reason why the archangels were so eager to bring on the Apocalypse. Like bored children, whose parents have left them alone to fill their own time, they had grown weary of their usual games and turned their minds to mischief. This, if anything, proves the lengths that angels will go to in order to keep occupied. They would rather destroy a world than fall into patterns of inactivity.

In this also, Castiel is different. Since he met Dean, he has spent more aimless moments of easy leisure than he did in all the millennia that preceded Dean’s birth. These moments have had nothing to do with their various missions and everything to do with Dean. This is not to say that Dean himself is particularly slothful. He may spend a few hours now and then watching TV, surfing the Internet or just lying around doing nothing at all, but he will soon get restless and irritable, eager for a new job, a new hunt, ever driven by that insatiable urge to justify or redeem his existence. Dean measures his worth in the number of people he has saved and it is never enough. Castiel wonders if Dean is happy now, in a steady home and with a family who loves him, but does not need him to save them. He wonders if this comparatively indolent existence is truly what Dean wants or if he misses the road, misses the hunt. He wishes he could believe that Dean is finally happy, as happy as he can be without his brother. He wishes that he himself could find happiness in the thought that Dean may be happy - without him.

In the past couple of years, Castiel has spent time with Dean and his friends, doing the things that humans do to “wind down” and “recharge their batteries”: talking, laughing, drinking or simply sharing the peace and the quiet. He knows that these moments are not wasted, that they all fill a vital purpose in the hunters’ lives, but to an angel, to whom relaxation and human bonding have never been necessary, it is difficult not to think of all the ways in which that time could have been better spent. Still, these are moments that Castiel got to spend with Dean, moments that brought them closer together and helped him gain Dean's trust and friendship, so in the end, he supposes they filled a purpose, after all. Sometimes he thinks these idle moments may have been the most meaningful moments of his existence, blasphemous as this thought may be.

Some nights, while Dean and Sam were sleeping, Castiel would watch over them. He has never told Dean this, knowing that he would object, call him a “stalker” and tell him that it is a breach of personal integrity. Castiel does not see anything wrong with it, but he knows that he could never make Dean understand. Angels have watched humans since the beginning of time. Castiel has followed the lives of humans for thousands of years, unseen sharing their greatest moments of of joy, of sorrow, of courage, of fear, of pride and of shame. Humans have always fascinated him, but none as much as Dean. He likes to watch Dean sleep and ponder the enigma that is this intriguing, contradictory, unique and conflicted creature, undisturbed by the confusing emotions that always plague him whenever Dean is awake and aware of him. Castiel is aware that he will never solve the mystery that is Dean, but he also knows that he will never stop trying. It may never lead anywhere, but it gives him more pleasure than anything else in existence.

To waste time on things that serve no true purpose, to neglect your mission in favour of entertainment and pleasure, to indulge in laziness and activities that do not further the well-being of the world or lead anywhere is to indulge in the sin of sloth. Castiel has taken time away from his quest to spend with Dean and his friends; he has spent valuable moments watching and pondering the man; he has willingly spent time in a manner he knew to be wasteful. This is the third sin that Castiel commits for Dean.


	4. Pride

**pride**  
 _noun_ \ˈprīd\

Definition of PRIDE  
 **1** : the quality or state of being proud: as **a** : inordinate self-esteem : conceit **b** : a reasonable or justifiable self-respect  
 **c** : delight or elation arising from some act, possession, or relationship  
 **2** : proud or disdainful behavior or treatment : disdain

 

Of all the angels, the most powerful, the strongest and the most beautiful was Lucifer, the Morningstar. In him, all of Heaven’s glory seemed embodied and he was the most favoured among the Heavenly Host. Almost perfect, he had but one failing, but this was severe enough to cause discord among the angels and to create a rift between two brothers to whom all the other angels looked for guidance. It marred the joy that had existed in Heaven since before time began and brought evil into the world. This failing, this deadly sin, brought about the first angel’s fall.

There is a human saying that ”pride goes before fall”. While many human idioms and cultural references still remain incomprehensible to Castiel, he believes that this may be one that he understands far better than any mortal ever could. He still remembers the pain, the horror and the grief that reverberated through Heaven upon Lucifer’s rebellion and his subsequent fall. He remembers the disbelief, the perceived impossibility that any angel could defy their Father’s will, least of all this most glorious being of them all. If he, so endowed with every possible divine grace that their Father had to bestow, so perfect and so blessed, was susceptible to such a fatal weakness, who among them was safe? And whatever Lucifer may pretend, whatever excuse he makes to deceive the foolish and the naive, all the angels know what went before his fall; they know it was nothing but his pride.

If Castiel is honest, he has always rather disdained Lucifer for it. He has never quite understood how Lucifer could allow his pride to get the better of him, to allow it to consume him and corrupt him in that manner. If he is truly honest, which he usually tries to avoid, since these thoughts disturb him, he has also always rather wondered that their Father allowed such a calamity to happen. Surely, He must have known of Lucifer’s intentions. Why then did He not prevent the fall of His favourite child? However, these questions come too close to sacrilege and Castiel can only believe that somehow, Lucifer has a part to play in his Father’s ineffable and impeccable play.

Though he would never say so himself, Castiel is among the humblest and most selfless of all the angels. He has served Heaven faithfully and diligently, without ever looking for praise or any reward other than the satisfaction of a job well done. He has never resented the humans, as many of his brethren have, for their greater share of their Father’s affection. Instead of despising them as lesser beings, Castiel recognises their beauty and he has always wanted to learn more about them. The sin of pride has never clutched him in its fatal embrace. At least this is what he has been telling himself.

Looking back now, he sees that he has been deluding himself. He has prided himself – on feeling no pride. Humility ought to have been natural to him, a part of his duty and nothing on which to congratulate himself. His disdain of Lucifer’s pride ought to have been a clue that he shared the very sin that he looked down upon in his brother. Without pride, there can be no disdain. This has been a sinful pride, but it is not this pride that has almost brought about his fall.

Of course there is pride that is not sinful; the moderate pride of a being who recognises his own worth, but does not exaggerate it; the pride that still allows one to recognise the equal worth of others; the pride that one feels for others. This is pride that is not harmful, that may even lift one up, rather than bring one down. The line is fine, however, between this kind of pride and the more selfish, excessive kind. Sadly, Castiel fears that lately he has been falling on the wrong side of that line. His pride has been a dangerous pride, a sort of hubris, and it has indeed threatened to bring him down.

The first indication of this pride and its consequences was when his superiors demoted him for becoming too close to his charge and made Uriel his superior. Uriel, who later fell prey to his own pride, an effect of the shadow that Lucifer still casts on Creation. In his pride, Castiel refused to acknowledge the possibility that he could be weak enough to allow himself to be ruled by his emotions. He had lived for millennia, impassionate and distant from all fellow beings, caring for his brothers and sisters, but not truly feeling for them. The idea that a human, a mortal being whose life would pass in the blink of an eye, would chip his armour and touch the heart that had never beaten in his chest was to him unthinkable. How wrong he was! To regret his actions back then, however, would be to regret everything that followed and the friendship that grew out of his budding emotions, and this Castiel cannot bring himself to do.

Back then, he suffered his demotion and disgrace with patience and seemly humility, still the loyal servant of a Heaven he believed to be just. But still, the pride that had been planted within him grew, until he dared to believe that he knew better than his superiors. He tried to warn Dean against them and tried to fight off his brothers for long enough that Dean could reach him. Naturally, he failed. One angel cannot conquer against five others, let alone the dozen that had come to claim him. He was brought back to Heaven in disgrace and forcefully taught the consequences of such proud and wilful behaviour. He pretended to learn their lesson, told himself that he was a soldier, nothing more, and that it was not his place to question the archangels. Now the very feelings that they tried to quash revolt against the idea of what they almost did to him, of what they almost took from him.

His pride still lived in him and he allowed Dean to convince him that they alone could take on the forces of Heaven and thwart their wicked purposes. Admittedly, a great part of his reason for following Dean’s lead was the faith and the affection that he felt for the man, but was it not pride that had led him to believe that the man that he loved must needs be right? Like Lucifer, he rebelled; he dared to question; he dared to believe that he knew better, and it was the beginning of his fall.

Later he made himself believe that he could succeed where so many had failed. He had gone on a fool’s quest that everyone, even his brothers, even Dean, told him was hopeless. Had this truly been a sign of his faith in his Father or had it been his unjustifiable faith in himself that had led him to believe that he could find God and so save not only the world, but the man he loved from the destiny that had been decided for him before the world began?

When Castiel learned that his quest would fail, that his Father would not intervene, he cursed Him, the omnipotent and omniscient being that gave him life not once but thrice, who resurrected him even after he had rebelled and who saved Dean and Sam from Lucifer, thereby showing more support than anyone had reason to hope. Still, Castiel believed himself to deserve more from him, believed that he could make him intervene even further. What was this but pride?

To think too much of one’s own worth, to believe oneself capable of things beyond one’s ability, to place oneself above one’s peers and to expect success where others have failed is to commit the sin of pride. Castiel has done all this and more in his quest to help Dean. He has dared to feel pride, because he feared that the alternative would be to lose Dean. He has fallen and been restored through a miracle of which he knows he is not worthy and still, if he had to, he would make the same choices again, because he believes there are no better ones to be made. This is the fourth sin that Castiel commits for Dean.


	5. Envy

**envy**  
 _noun_ \ˈen-vē\  
 _plural_ envies

Definition of ENVY  
 **1** : painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 

 

It would not be entirely true to say that his pride was the only reason why Lucifer fell, nor was it the only blemish on his otherwise perfect character. Rather, his pride was the fatal disease that led to the demise of his glory and it spawned a number of other symptoms. Most prominent among those symptoms was the all-consuming envy that turned this magnificent and blessed being into an abomination of vindictiveness and petty spite.

Accustomed to being his Father’s favourite, the apple of His all-seeing eye, Lucifer could not bear to find himself surpassed by beings of less perfection and with more freedom than he had been granted. Like a spoilt first child who finds that not only does he have to share his parent’s affection and attention with a younger sibling, but he is also expected to love the usurper, he threw a tantrum that rent both Heaven and Earth asunder. His pride convinced him that humans were inferior and his envy caused an indignation that would not be overcome, whatever the consequences. He persuaded himself that he was the wronged one and he acted with all the self-righteousness of the truly betrayed. With all the jealousy of a lover that finds his beloved in another’s arms, he set out on a path of vengeance against them both, rather than finding pleasure in the joy of the one he claimed to love and the company of those so favoured.

Naturally, Lucifer is not the only angel to have been misled by his envy. Many of the angels resent the humans both for the superior place that they hold in their Father’s affections and for the graces which he has bestowed upon them. They envy the humans their free will, the ability to make their own decisions that humans take for granted, but which angels have never been allowed to enjoy. The angels envy the humans their imperfections and the acceptance of these imperfections that grants them the forgiveness of their Father even after they have wronged against Him. They envy them their emotions that allow them to experience their brief lives more keenly than angels experience all the eternity of their own existence. They even envy them the brevity of those lives, which makes every second so much more valuable and every experience so much more precious. Mortal lives are made up of sensations and choices that change destiny again and again. Angels have been granted neither these sensations, nor these choices, so is it any wonder that it sometimes becomes more than they can bear to see these gifts so squandered by the spoiled children of a far more indulgent Father?

Yet not all angels give in to this resentment. Some find contentment in what they have been given, choosing to find the advantages of their own existence instead. Humans are limited beings in time, in space, in wisdom and in imagination. Because they are granted the freedom of choice, they are constantly riddled by doubt, plagued by insecurity and indecision that consume so much of the precious time that they have been given. Their emotions cloud their judgement and they allow themselves to be driven by their passions, which keeps them from living up to their full potential. They will never know the joy and the communion that angels feel in their unconditional love and faith in their Father. The short span of their lives keep them from seeing the full picture, from appreciating the full glory of the world they live in, and they, unlike the angels, will never know the full story. So what is there really to envy?

Castiel has always belonged to these latter angels. He has never resented humans for the love and the gifts that they have been given by his Father. Nor has he considered them as truly inferior, but has chosen to see them as merely different. It has always displeased him to hear other angels, like Uriel, speak of his Father’s creations in an irreverent manner. They are works of art, masterpieces, perfect in their imperfection, each flaw consciously left uncorrected because it enhances the beauty of the whole. Had he been allowed, he would have spent eons studying these creatures, trying to discern what makes them different and what makes them the same. He wishes now that he could have taken that time. It would most likely have made his current situation more bearable by preparation and a knowledge of what to expect.

The first time that Castiel experienced envy was in a dilapidated barn in the presence of two humans, an angel, a demon and an angel become human. He watched as Anna, his former commander and comrade, who had betrayed her kind and committed the worst possible crime against their Father, turned to Dean, reached up and kissed him with the familiarity of a lover. He watched as Dean not only accepted her kiss, but returned it, with his eyes closed, as if savouring the forgiveness and the farewell in her gesture. He watched this and for the first time ever, he felt the burning hand of envy clutch his heart, creating a resentment for this fallen being that had been his friend which her capital crime had not been sufficient to incite. That this tainted creature, who had chosen her own selfish pleasure over the duty she owed to her Creator, dared to touch her corrupted lips to those of this righteous man, that she dared to claim a connection with him that Castiel, his saviour, had not even dared to dream of, awakened a fury in him that was not easy to overcome. Only the recognition of this emotion as envy enabled him to get the better of his jealousy. It was at this moment that he finally realised what his peers had long suspected; he finally saw what Dean meant to him.

Since then, there have been many moments when envy has tried to worm itself into the heart that Dean has awakened in Castiel’s chest, but every time, Castiel has come out victorious. He has never envied the many women that have shared Dean’s bed and who have been allowed to partake of his physical being, because he knows that they have never been allowed to glimpse his soul. He never envied Ellen or even Jo, because he knew that as close as they were to Dean and much as he loved them, they would never truly know him and they would never be more than family to him. He has never envied Bobby, because Dean needs him in ways that Castiel could never satisfy and does not want to. He has never even envied Sam, because to envy Sam would be to deny everything that makes Dean who he is and who Dean is, is what makes Castiel love him.

To Castiel, envy is the most despicable of all sins, as being the antagonist of love. To truly love someone is to want to see them happy, however and wherever that happiness may be found, and to find joy in their joy without needing to take part in its foundation. Love is supposed to be selfless and the highest form of love is the kind that lives forever without expecting any requital. Envy, on the other hand, is a purely selfish sensation, one which can lead to the marring of the beloved’s joy. In its most tainted form, it can lead to vindictiveness and spite, and it can create a rift in the most important relationship of its victim’s life. It pollutes the soul and the heart and it leaves a stain that may never be removed.

Because Castiel loves Dean, he would do anything, give anything, to see him happy and at peace, but because he knows Dean, he will not even try. Dean does not want happiness and peace; he wants freedom and truth. Castiel worked to give him this, though it nearly cost him everything, and when they found it, or at least came as close to it as was possible, he left to give Dean the space he needed to find the happiness and the peace that Castiel was not allowed to give him with someone else.

Castiel wishes that he could claim to feel no envy even now, that he could pretend that he does not envy Lisa Braeden her place in Dean’s dreams of happiness, but Castiel cannot lie, even to himself. He misses Dean’s company, misses the days when Dean would call on him, because he needed him. Most of all, he misses the illusion that this would not change, that he would be allowed to remain in Dean’s life all his life. He does not know if Lisa will truly be the woman that Dean will share his life with, but he envies her the dreams and the hope that she is allowed to have of being the one. He envies her the permission to try to make Dean happy, to show her love for him openly and have it accepted, to worry about him and to share his worries. In short, he envies her the part that she has come to play in Dean’s life and he hates himself for this envy.

To defeat this envy, Castiel tells himself that if his love for Dean is as pure and as true that he believes it to be, he should be able to rejoice in the belief that Dean is happy and he should love Lisa for making him so. He should not wish for things to return to the way they were, simply because he himself was happier then. He should not place his own happiness above that of Dean. He has no reason to feel disappointed, because there was never any hope, and he should not feel envious, because what Lisa has was never his to attain. None of this works, however, and he knows that the envy has finally conquered.

To want what others have for yourself, to resent them for the good that they have or that they receive, to begrudge them their joys and their advantages is to commit the sin of envy. Castiel wishes that he could take Lisa’s place in Dean’s life. He wishes that she had never won Dean’s heart and he sometimes finds himself hoping that the reality that she shares with Dean will fall short of Dean’s dreams. He has even caught himself thinking of her as undeserving of Dean’s affection, simply because to admit her worth would be to abandon all hope for himself. This is the fifth and possibly the worst sin that Castiel commits for Dean.


	6. Wrath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Bible quote in this chapter is from the King James Version, Romans 12:19.

**wrath**  
 _noun_ \ˈrath, _chiefly British_ ˈrȯth\

Definition of WRATH  
 **1** : strong vengeful anger or indignation  
 **2** : retributory punishment for an offense or a crime : divine chastisement 

 

The Lord, our Father, does not sin. As he is infallible, so are all His actions beyond reproach. Through His nature, all that He does is granted the inviolability of His sanctity. In Him is all that is righteous and just. Though His purposes are often clouded to human minds, He will never falter or go astray, for to Him all paths lay open and all paths lead to His intended end. To sin against Him is to sin against good, against the world and against your own destiny. To lose faith in Him is to lose your way in the wilderness and to wander from the light into the darkness. To live according to His law is to live forever.

There are those who take it upon themselves to act on His behalf and to carry out His purposes, but because they are imperfect and governed by their own limitations, so are their actions flawed. Because they cannot see what He sees – all that is, that was and that could ever be – they cannot know as He knows and cannot judge as He judges. They act with the self-righteousness of the holy, ever justifying their deeds with what they claim to be His words, unaware that by taking it upon themselves to act on His behalf, their actions condemn them as adversaries to His cause. What in Him is righteous is in them the wickedness of sin. Thus the road to Hell will ever be paved with good intentions and those who pretend to be most pure, will often be the most tainted of all.

So it is with the sin of wrath. As anyone who reads the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, can see, the Father is not always the forgiving and benevolent Parent of the world. To those who wrong against Him, who flout His laws and openly defy His commands, He can be a formidable force of anger and vengeance. He will strike down those who disobey Him, lay to waste those who would rise up against Him and let His fury rain down on those who have strayed from His light. The might of His wrath is enough to strike fear into the very heart of evil. Yet He does not sin, but any who would share his wrath are indeed among the basest ranks of sinners.

This may seem to some contradictory, but it is not so. Only He has the power to feel wrath that is truly righteous, only He has the wisdom to know when it is deserved, only He has the prerogative to judge and to sentence. Therefore, the Bible clearly states, "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” For who among mortals can so free themselves of their prejudices and passions, of their pride and their personal interests as to see clearly? And who is so without sin that they can claim the right to cast any stone, be it the first or the very last?

It is not only mortals who sin through their wrath. Angels, though the executors of their Father’s wrath and vengeance, are themselves forbidden to feel that kind of anger. This does not often pose a difficulty, as angels are mostly incapable of feeling with the sort of passion that engenders wrath. They may feel anger of the kind that is more common, colder and not vindictive and as with most emotions, it is a threat to the order of Heaven. Fortunately, cold anger can be contained and eventually subdued.

However, there is another kind of anger, one to which most angels are never privy; a hot, searing wrath that consumes everything in its path. It is the wrath that blossoms out of seeds of love, of disappointment, of betrayal and of hurt. This wrath is far more dangerous, because it stirs the passions, enflames the mind and turns common sense into ash. It is this wrath that Dean has awakened in Castiel.

Dean, being the infuriating creature that he is and always insistent on provoking everyone in his path, has of course made Castiel feel other sorts of anger as well. In the beginning, before Castiel’s rebellion, before he placed all his trust, all his hope, all his love in Dean, he would feel only mild irritation whenever Dean contradicted him, questioned his intentions or chose a path of action opposing the one that Castiel had pointed out. Truth be told, he rather came to enjoy the challenge of bringing Dean to heel, enjoyed their discussions that made him use his mind in ways that he had not used it in far too long, made him question what he had always taken for granted. Dean, maddening, exasperating, galling as he was, made him feel alive and he sees now that this was a warning he ought to have heeded. As with everything else that concerns Dean, he does not regret his past unawareness.

After he rebelled, when his feelings for Dean had deepened and his desire for his respect had grown, Dean’s lack of faith in Castiel and his Father gained the potential to hurt him and that hurt spawned anger. He found himself wanting if not to hurt Dean in return, then at least to remind him of what he owed to an angel who had sacrificed everything – for him. Finally, he found the way to manipulate Dean into submission: guilt. Dean always feels guilty, thinking about everyone he has failed, everyone who has died for him, everyone who has given something up for him, convinced as he is deep down that he is not worthy of their sacrifice. Remind Dean of what you have forfeited for his sake and he will do anything to prove himself worthy.

Castiel knows, however, what this does to Dean, how every time Dean is reminded of his debts, a tiny part of his soul is extinguished, swallowed by that black hole of self-loathing that ever lurks at his core. He tries, therefore, not to give in to that impulse, to find other ways of getting through to Dean, and only at times of great distress or great anger will he resort to it. This is, after all, why wrath is one of the deadly sins: for the unforgivable violence it causes to be perpetrated on the world and its inhabitants.

Only once has Castiel felt true wrath, the blazing, devastating wrath of a wounded animal that can only find relief in imparting the pain upon the one who did the wounding. Only once has he truly wanted to hurt Dean, to injure him as he had injured Castiel. Only once has he actually given in to that sinister yearning and intentionally harmed that precious body, the one that he remade without flaw or imperfection, without any remnant of past hurts, the one that carries his mark and that houses a treasure more valuable than any that Heaven or Hell or anything in between can boast of. Only once has he been driven to such a measure by the intended betrayal that Dean contemplated, by the loss of his last shred of faith and by the fear of losing the last thing that mattered to him.

By that time, Castiel had lost everything for Dean. He had rebelled against his siblings. He had been disowned by his family and was hunted by them as a traitor, a deserter. He had been exiled from Heaven and excluded from the communion of the Heavenly Host. He had suffered the gradual loss of the powers that he had depended on throughout his existence. He had all but fallen. He had been disillusioned of everything that he had believed in, including his faith in his Father. He had come close to idolatry in placing his faith in a lesser being, a human, and this his idol had proven as unworthy of his trust as his Father had been. By striving to become Michael’s vessel, Dean had given up on Castiel, on his Father, on the world, on Sam and on himself, and for this Castiel could not forgive him.

He could have forgiven Dean for giving up on him. After all, what was he then that he deserved Dean’s faith? Without his grace, he was powerless, hopeless, worthless and pointless. As Dean put it, his batteries were nearly drained and he had no way of charging them. What use he had been to them was gone along with his vanishing grace and now he was nothing more than a burden to drag around. Besides, there is no denying that Castiel will always forgive Dean anything that he does against him. Castiel loves Dean too much, infinitely more than he loves himself.

He could have forgiven Dean for giving up on the Father. Castiel himself had all but given up on Him. What had his Father done to deserve their faith? What had He done to give them hope that their efforts would prove meaningful? Just when Dean had begun to dare to believe, to dare to hope, the Father had told them in such terms as to leave no uncertainty, no room for doubt that he would not again intervene on their behalf; that they were now on their own. So what did Dean truly owe to Him?

He could have forgiven Dean for giving up on the world. Dean has spent his life fighting to protect people against dangers most of them will never be aware of. He lost his family to a war against an evil that threatened the world, but that remained hidden to the majority of the world’s population. He was now being called upon to be the saviour of humanity, while humanity, as always, sat back and did nothing to save themselves. 

For centuries, humans have ignored the growing threat that they pose to themselves and to the planet they rely on to sustain their lives. They ignore her pained cries, her agonised pleas and her desperate threats of retribution. Like bloodsucking parasites, they feed on her life force, drinking her dry without thought for the consequences. Too lazy, too selfish, to indulgent to care, to sacrifice some part of their own comforts and pleasures to ensure the future of their children, they pass the burden onto someone else and hope that they will have the strength and the integrity to pick it up.

What they forget is that that someone else is not an Atlas of divine strength, but human, just like themselves, and will never be strong enough to carry the burden of a planet. No matter how hard he fights, how relentlessly he struggles, how tirelessly he battles on, he cannot win against the overwhelming forces that oppose him, aided and abetted by the ignorance, the indolence and the indifference of his own kind. Sooner or later, his back will either break under the burden or he will lay down his cross, say “screw them all!” and leave them to fend for themselves to stave off the devastation that they have brought upon themselves. So why should Dean pick up their cross? Why should he battle to defend a race that will not fight for themselves?

He could have forgiven Dean for giving up on Sam, even though he knows that for Dean to give up on Sam is for him to give up on his raison d’être. Sam had let Dean down in the past, so how could Dean be sure that Sam would be strong enough to face even greater odds? How could he be expected to rely on Sam continuing to say ‘no’? The events of the past year had created such a rift between the brothers that the very foundations of their relationship had been shaken. How then could Dean trust his brother to rise above his destiny, rise above his past choices and prove himself to be the most resilient of them all?

Add to all this another motive, even stronger than the lack of trust, and who can wonder at Dean’s actions? To know Dean is to know that all he does is to protect his brother and to keep Sam safe. It is his one duty in the world, the one for which he voluntarily went to Hell. If, by sacrificing himself, he can prevent Sam from coming to any harm, he will not hesitate. He would walk through fire, swim through oceans of ice, leap from the highest mountain and spend eternity in endless torment. Therefore, when he was left with the alternative of giving himself up to one angel or watching Sam being taken over by another, who is infinitely worse, the only wonder really is that he held off for that long. Looking back now, Castiel wonders that he did not see it sooner. At that time, they had seemed to be marching down the inescapable tunnel of destiny, at the end of which waited Detroit, Sam’s surrender and the ultimate collapse of Dean’s entire world. Faced with that prospect, who would be brave enough not to want to flee?

What Castiel could not forgive was Dean giving up on himself. By deciding to say ‘yes’ to Michael, Dean was abandoning his own future, everything he believed in and any last scrap of self-respect that he still retained. Michael may have kept his promise and returned Dean’s body unscathed, but it was not in his power to shield Dean’s soul from the incurable damage of his actions. The knowledge that his choices had made his world the battleground for the divine and the infernal forces would have been too much for Dean to bear. His doubts as to whether or not it had truly been the only way would have plagued him until they drove him insane. He would never again have been able to find happiness, even had Sam remained safe and unharmed. His sacrifice of free will, of the choices that make humanity so unique among their Father’s creations, would have torn Dean’s soul to pieces and Castiel feels certain that Dean, the Dean that he has come to know, to trust, to respect and above all, to love, would not have survived. Nothing would have remained of him but a hollow shell and this, the fact that Dean was willing to give up his own existence, was more than Castiel could forgive.

p>His fury rose up in him like a tidal wave. He hunted Dean down, knowing that there was no place in creation that he could hide from him. Briefly he had wished for the powers of Heaven, so that Dean could feel the vehemence of true anger, but as he landed that first blow across Dean’s cheek, he knew that such an impersonal means of vengeance would not have brought the same satisfaction. He struck, again and again, hoping to make Dean feel some part of the pain that gripped his innards and made him want to howl in agony. He watched as his fists cut open the skin that he had made whole after Dean’s sojourn in Hell, watched as the blood with which he had filled Dean’s veins began to flow from the wounds, felt the flesh that he had melded together give way and yet it was enough. It did not matter what he did to Dean’s body, their pains could never be equal.

And still he continued, landing blow after blow on any part of Dean’s body that he could hit, while he tried with his words to make Dean understand, to feel the extent of the betrayal. With his words he went for the jugular, making Dean aware that he deserved this, that once again he had failed someone, that he had once again proven himself unworthy of their sacrifice. He felt the fight go out of Dean’s body, felt it surrender to his abuse and knew that he had driven his message home. Finally, as Dean lay broken and bleeding on the ground of the alley, challenging, almost begging him to finish it, he knew the reward that comes of all such wrath. No matter how much of the violence, how much of the pain you inflict upon the one who has wounded you, your pain will always be greater, because in the end, nothing has been resolved, everything has only worsened and their pain is your pain, of your doing, and that is the knowledge you will have to bear.

To feel anger, the hot, violent anger of the injured and the betrayed and to take it upon yourself to determine what is deserved by those who have wronged against you, is to usurp the office of the Lord. Only to Him do wrath and vengeance belong and to admit them into your own heart is to commit the sin of wrath. This is the sixth sin that Castiel has committed for Dean.


	7. Lust

**lust**  
 _noun_ \ˈləst\

Definition of LUST  
 **1** _obsolete_ **a** : pleasure, delight **b** : personal inclination : wish  
 **2** : usu. intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness  
 **3 a** : an intense longing : craving **b** : enthusiasm, eagerness

 

A long time ago, when mankind was still young and before they grew estranged from their Father, angels would roam the earth. Cloaked in vessels, they would walk amongst their younger brethren, forming alliances and, on rare occasions, even friendships. At times they allowed themselves to be known for what they were by the humans with whom they associated, but more often they would shroud their brightly shining essences and tread the earth as mortals. Many of them found pleasure in consorting with these creatures that were so different and yet so much alike themselves. Through observation, they learned the habits and the compulsions of these strange beings. They studied their joys and their sorrows, their pleasures and their pains, their hopes and their fears, their toils and their leisure.

What they found, if their minds were open to the discovery, was that humans were more than just earth brought to life. Undoubtedly it was true that their physical forms were frail, subject to hunger and disease, requiring nourishment, sleep, warmth and exercise in order to function properly and retain their strength. Equally undeniable was the fact that their minds were limited, unable to stretch beyond the narrow confines of their own private worlds and hemmed in by their own selfish interests. As for their lives, though individually spanning many modern generations, they were brief and ever-changing.

Despite all these imperfections and weaknesses, however, they also carried with them a great force, stronger than any wielded by the Heavenly Host. It was a force the angels did not recognise, but that those who were most perceptive soon realised was deadlier than the lightning, vaster than the sky, deeper than the ocean and more beautiful than the dawn. It spread around the earth in a web that encompassed all humans, reaching out from beating heart to beating heart and even sending questing tendrils into the Heavens. This force, the angels came to understand, was love, but it was a different love from the one that they felt for their Father.

The love that the angels feel for the Father is as spiritual and incorporeal as the beings that experience it, as are its means of expression. As most angels have never even gazed upon the visage of the object of their love, there can be no hope of reciprocation, no intimacy by a human definition and no mutual affinity in their love. Angels express their love through the joyful exultation of their ideas, the glorifying music that is their songs, the unwavering obedience that is their duty and the unquestioning faith that they have in His existence, His goodness, His omniscience and in His illimitable love that is their reward.

Human beings, on the other hand, are beings of the earth and they are bound to it for the duration of their mortal lives; borrowed from its bosom to be returned there in time. Thus, the love that humans feel for other humans is physical and tangible, as are its means of expression. Human languages are limited and insufficient to convey the emotions that set their hearts on fire and make their souls soar and they lack the more immediate forms of communication that the Host share through their collective awareness. When words fail, as they invariably do, humans use their other senses to bring across meaning. A simple smile speaks louder than an endless stream of constant chatter; a slight touch conveys meaning that no voice could carry; a soft caress carries the weight of years of affection; a fleeting kiss expresses emotions too complicated for words.

During their time among mortals, the angels witnessed this physical expression of that strange love and it was as tremendous and awe-inspiring as the emotion itself, having as it did the power to bring forth new life and shape new bonds between the people of this world. It awakened their curiosity and many among them wished to experience these apparent pleasures for themselves. As these angels were beautiful and glorious far beyond mortal comparison, even in their vessels, they had no difficulties finding willing partners. Gender and sexuality, being mortal concepts, mattered not to the angels when choosing human mates and angels in male form took both male and female partners, as did angels who manifested themselves as women. However, as soon became apparent, these choices would affect the history of both humans and angels.

As a result of these unions, some of the mortal women conceived. These children, the offspring of a human mother and an angelic father, were known as the Nephilim. With powers exceeding those of their mortal mothers, but without the boundless understanding of their immortal fathers, they became enamoured of the supremacy they held over humans and this love of dominance corrupted them. In order to prevent the chaos that these beings could cause, a decree was issued that no intimacy should ever again be shared by angels and humans that could bring offspring into the world. Thus the carnal relations between humans and angels were all but ended.

Naturally there were angels who ignored this decree or who claimed that it related only to angels in male vessels consorting with human females. Sometimes out of curiosity, sometimes out of affection for a human and sometimes out of sheer perversion, angels would still descend onto Earth and take a mortal mate. But as these affairs were frowned upon by their kindred and as angels grew more estranged from humans, millennia have passed since the last corporeal bond between an angel and a mortal. Angels have far more effective means of achieving ecstasy and so the sin of lust has been all but purged from the Heavenly Host.

Because lust is a sin, whatever modern man may believe, just as surely as wrath or envy or greed. Some people seem to confuse lust with love, believing them to be two sides of the same coin, since one often spawns the other. While this analogy may come close to the truth, it is not the whole truth. Castiel prefers to think of lust as love’s evil twin, the darkness to its light. Where love is pure and unblemished by the vileness of this earth, lust is rank and dirty. Where love exalts, lust debases and brings men down. Love inspires and begets great works; lust corrupts and causes time to be wasted. Love is selfless, wanting nothing for itself; lust is selfish and desires only its own pleasure. Love is divine, of God, by God and for God, opening the path to Heaven; lust is sinful and the path it opens is not even paved with good intentions. Yet for all this, Castiel has come to experience lust.

Castiel wants Dean. There is no other way to put it. He wants everything that is Dean to be his, to mold together their bodies and souls until they are one. The memory haunts him of when he rescued Dean from Hell, when he clutched that brightly shining soul in the embrace of his grace as they ascended, until he could no longer tell where Dean ended and he himself began. More than anything else, he wants to experience that again, both in their incorporeal and their corporeal forms. And he wants Dean to want it too.

Castiel knows every atom of Dean’s body, having painstakingly sculpted them back together. In idle moments, few though they are, he will distract himself with thoughts of what he would do to that body. He imagines the heart, so great and so scarred, beating fiercely and erratically in Dean’s chest. He imagines the blood it sends pumping, the colour of love, burning with the volcanic heat of their passion. Almost he can hear Dean’s lungs gasping for breath, desperate for the air to whisper Castiel‘s name. In his mind’s eye, Dean’s eyes are dark and murky, clouded by desire and ravenous with hunger. He has watched Dean’s lips and imagined them parted, swollen and wet and pleading incoherently. If he tries hard, he can almost taste Dean’s mouth, his velvety tongue, and feel it travel down his own body. He can visualise Dean’s vocal cords, trembling, but insufficient to overcome the pleasure that renders Dean without words. Beneath his fingers, he can feel Dean’s skin, sweating and hot and more precious than silk. He imagines hours spent mapping Dean’s body and feeling Dean map the contours of his. But most pleasing of all his visions is the sound of Dean’s voice, raised in ecstasy, and the sensation of it echoed by the soul within.

To crave without reason and want merely for the sake of pleasure, to desire the possession of another’s body, to lose oneself in pining for this other and allow one‘s love to be tainted by the senses, is to commit the sin of lust. Castiel longs for Dean with every aspect of his being. He yearns to possess him and to belong to him in turn. As his love is boundless, so is its shadow. This is the seventh and most consuming sin that Castiel commits for Dean.


	8. Epilogue

_And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love._  
1 Corinthians 13:13 (New International Version)

 

Despite all the sins that Castiel has committed and still commits for Dean, he does not fear his Father‘s wrath or condemnation. After all, has not his Father shown His approval of Castiel’s actions, by bringing him back to life not once, but twice? If Castiel were truly damned, would his Father have given him powers exceeding those he possessed before the beginning of his fall, powers that he will need if he is to restore peace to Heaven and conquer one of their Father’s chosen ones: Raphael?

In so much as any being can comprehend the Father’s purposes, Castiel believes he knows the reasons for his salvation. Great though the sins are that Dean has caused him to commit, Castiel knows that he has become a greater being, wiser and more virtuous, since he met the man. Dean has taught him more about not only the world and its inhabitants, but also about himself, his kindred and even his Father than Castiel had learned in all the endless millennia that preceded Dean’s birth. He understands now the beauty of the world and why humans are truly the favoured ones. He understands the importance of making your own choices and accepting the consequences, whatever they may be. And he understands fully those virtues that are the gift of his Father and that constitute the keys to Paradise.

Because of Dean, Castiel lost some of his faith in his Father, but he gained instead faith not only in Dean, but in himself. He has faith that Dean will continue fighting for what is right, that his thankless struggle against evil will never end. Dean is good man, though he himself doubts it, and through him, Castiel has learned to have faith in mankind. Surely, if a man such as Dean exists in the world, then rare as he may be, humans cannot be all bad. If they have someone like Dean to guide them, then one day they will find the right path and Castiel feels faith that their future is bright. As he struggles against his brothers, he reminds himself of this and when he doubts himself, he remembers that it is partly because of him that this future still exists. He was there for Dean and Sam while they averted the Apocalypse; though he doubted at times, he made the right choices in the end. And if they could overcome impossible odds to defeat Lucifer himself, as well as the Host, is it then so impossible that he should be victorious again? His Father may have abandoned them, but Castiel believes His purpose still holds and His purpose is not that what is written should come to pass. Castiel has faith that his Father, like John Winchester, for all His faults is good and kind. This faith gives him courage in his struggles. It is the first virtue with which Dean has blessed him.

Because of Dean, Castiel has despaired more deeply almost than he could bear. But because of Dean he now feels hope; hope that the night is past, that this is the dawn and that a bright new day will soon begin. He hopes the world will survive for many a generation and he hopes to see it prosper before too long. Mankind is still free and Castiel hopes that soon humans will not only make their own choices, but that the choices they make will be the right ones. He hopes that more people like Dean and Sam will be born, who put the future of their race before their own comforts. He hopes that one day his Father will see what they have accomplished and return to once again bathe His creation in the light of His grace. Of course, Castiel hopes for other things too, more personal and less virtuous, relating to what he wants for Dean and for himself. These are the hopes that strengthen him and steels his resolve; they have enabled him to keep despair at bay. This is the second virtue with which Dean has blessed him.

Finally, because of Dean, Castiel now knows the true extent of the greatest virtue of all. Everything that Castiel does and has done from the moment that he met Dean, he has done for a single reason and that reason is love. Before Dean, Castiel thought he knew love. He loved his Father, as all angels do. He loved his brethren. But never had he known the true force of that emotion, how it fills you and carries you forward and changes you, until you are no longer yourself, but an infinitely better version of who you can be. He fears that his brothers and sisters may never know this emotion and he grieves for them, for he knows now that to love is to live. No one who is untouched by this feeling can know meaning and direction in their existence, and Castiel fears that it is for this reason that his brothers wish it all to end. Castiel loves Dean and will for the rest of his existence, and though this love has led him to sin, to rebel and almost to fall, he would not relinquish it for anything at all. Without this love, he would not be and he knows that it is this love which is and has been his salvation. Every sin that he has committed, he has committed for love and so perhaps love, the greatest virtue, is also the greatest sin of all.


End file.
